How to Sit Shiva: A Complete Guide for Mourners

When the World Stops

Someone you love has died. The funeral is over. The grave has been filled — in Jewish tradition, the mourners themselves shovel earth onto the coffin, the most difficult and most loving act a person can perform. And now you are home, and the house is full of people, and someone has put food on the table, and you are sitting in a chair that is too low, and the mirrors are covered, and you are supposed to do this for a week.

This is shiva. It is Judaism’s answer to the impossible question of what to do when grief arrives. And despite how disorienting it feels in the moment, it is — many mourners will tell you — one of the wisest things any religion has ever invented.

This guide is for you, the mourner. Not the visitor. You. Here is what to expect, what is required, what is optional, and how to survive the week.

Who Sits Shiva

Jewish law defines seven categories of relatives who are obligated to mourn: parent, child, sibling, and spouse. If you have lost one of these relatives, you sit shiva. For other losses — grandparents, close friends, in-laws — there is no formal obligation, though many people observe some mourning practices.

All seven mourners sit shiva in the same house, ideally the home of the deceased. If that is not practical, the mourners gather at one mourner’s home. In modern practice, especially when families are geographically scattered, mourners sometimes sit shiva in separate locations.

The Meal of Consolation (Seudat Havra’ah)

When you return home from the cemetery, you do not prepare your own food. The community feeds you. This first meal — the seudat havra’ah (meal of consolation) — is traditionally prepared by friends, neighbors, or the synagogue community.

The meal traditionally includes:

• Hard-boiled eggs — a symbol of mourning and the cycle of life (eggs have no opening, symbolizing the mourner’s closed mouth)
• Bread — sustenance at its most basic
• Lentils or other round foods — roundness symbolizes the cycle of life

This is not optional. You must eat. Even if you do not want to. The tradition insists: life continues. Your body needs fuel. Let yourself be fed.

The Physical Environment

Low chairs or cushions. Mourners traditionally sit on low chairs, cushions on the floor, or overturned crates. The physical lowering mirrors the emotional reality — you are brought low by grief. It also ensures that visitors literally look down at you, a physical acknowledgment that you are in a different state. Many funeral homes or synagogues provide low shiva chairs on loan.

Covered mirrors. All mirrors in the shiva house are covered with cloth or paper. The explanations vary: mourning is not about appearance; vanity is inappropriate; the soul of the deceased may still be present and should not be “caught” in a mirror. Whatever the reason, the effect is the same: the house looks different. It feels different. Normal life has been suspended.

The shiva candle. A memorial candle burns for the entire seven days. Funeral homes typically provide a seven-day candle. It burns continuously — a visible reminder of the soul you are mourning.

No leather shoes. Mourners traditionally do not wear leather shoes during shiva — a sign of self-denial and mourning. Slippers, socks, or canvas shoes are worn instead.

The door stays unlocked. Visitors should be able to enter without the mourner having to get up and answer the door. Many families post a sign: “The door is open. Please come in.”

Davening at Home

During shiva, prayer services are held in the shiva house rather than at the synagogue. This requires a minyan — a quorum of ten Jewish adults. In Orthodox communities, this means ten men; in egalitarian communities, ten adults of any gender.

Services typically include Shacharit (morning) and Ma’ariv (evening), and ideally Mincha (afternoon) as well. The mourner recites the Mourner’s Kaddish at each service — the ancient Aramaic prayer that, remarkably, says nothing about death. It is a declaration of God’s greatness, recited by the grieving, and it is one of the most powerful rituals in all of Judaism.

If organizing a minyan is difficult (and it can be, especially in smaller communities), your rabbi or synagogue can help coordinate. Many communities have volunteers who attend shiva minyanim as a mitzvah.

Receiving Visitors

People will come. They will bring food. They will sit with you. Some will say the right thing. Some will say the wrong thing. Some will just sit in silence, and those may be the ones you are most grateful for.

Traditional etiquette for visitors:

• The visitor does not greet the mourner first. Wait for the mourner to speak.
• The visitor takes cues from the mourner. If the mourner wants to talk about the deceased, talk. If they want to sit in silence, sit in silence. If they want to tell jokes, laugh.
• The traditional departure formula is: “HaMakom yenachem etchem b’toch sha’ar avlei Tziyon v’Yerushalayim” — “May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

What you, the mourner, should know:

• You do not need to entertain. You do not need to be a host. You are not responsible for making anyone comfortable.
• It is okay to cry. It is okay to laugh. It is okay to be angry. It is okay to say “I need a few minutes alone.” Grief is not performative.
• Some visitors will share memories of the person you lost that you have never heard. These are gifts. Receive them.

Shabbat During Shiva

Shabbat falls during every shiva. On Shabbat, public mourning is suspended — mourners attend synagogue, sit on regular chairs, wear regular shoes, and participate in Shabbat as usual. The day counts toward the seven days of shiva, but the outward signs of mourning are paused.

This is not an interruption. It is a teaching: even in grief, rest is sacred. Even in the darkest week of your life, Shabbat comes.

Getting Up from Shiva

On the morning of the seventh day, shiva ends. In many communities, the mourners take a short walk around the block — a symbolic reentry into the world. The low chairs are put away. The mirrors are uncovered. The door is locked again.

But mourning does not end. Jewish tradition provides a structured path forward:

• Shloshim (thirty days): The first thirty days after burial. Mourners resume work and regular activities but avoid celebrations, live music, and parties.
• The year (for a parent): Mourners for a parent traditionally recite Kaddish daily for eleven months. This is a profound discipline — showing up at minyan every day, rain or shine, tired or busy, to say these words for the person who raised you.
• Yahrzeit: The annual anniversary of the death, observed with a memorial candle, Kaddish, and often a visit to the grave.

The Genius of the System

You may not appreciate it during the week itself, but what Judaism has built is extraordinary. In the immediate aftermath of death, when grief is raw and overwhelming, the tradition says: Do not be alone. Do not pretend to be fine. Do not go back to normal. Sit down. Let people come to you. Let them feed you. Let them pray with you. Let the world shrink to this room, these people, this loss.

And then, gently, gradually, in measured stages — seven days, thirty days, a year — the tradition opens the door back to life. Not all at once. Not with a forced smile. But step by step, with the community walking alongside you.

That is shiva. It is not easy. It is not comfortable. But it is, in the deepest sense, an act of love — the community’s love for the mourner, and the mourner’s love for the one who is gone.