How to Make a Shiva Call

The Most Important Visit

In Judaism, visiting the mourning — nichum aveilim — is considered one of the highest mitzvot. The Talmud teaches that God Himself visited the mourning Abraham after his father’s death, establishing the practice as a divine model for human compassion.

Yet many people — Jews and non-Jews alike — feel anxious about making a shiva call. What do I say? What do I wear? What if I cry? What if I say the wrong thing? These fears are natural, but they should not prevent you from performing an act of kindness that can genuinely ease a mourner’s pain. The most important thing is to show up.

What Is Shiva?

Shiva (meaning “seven”) is the seven-day mourning period observed after the burial of a close relative — a parent, spouse, child, or sibling. Mourners traditionally stay at home, sit on low chairs or cushions, cover mirrors, and refrain from normal activities. Friends, family, and community members visit to offer comfort, bring food, and help form a minyan (prayer quorum) for daily services.

Shiva typically begins immediately after the funeral and continues for seven days, though it is suspended on Shabbat and may be shortened by certain holidays.

Before You Go

Timing: Shiva houses are usually open during specific visiting hours, often announced by the family or synagogue. Common hours are late morning/early afternoon and evening. If you are unsure about timing, ask a family member or check the synagogue’s website or announcement.

What to Wear: Dress respectfully but not formally. Business casual or neat everyday clothing is appropriate. Dark colors are traditional but not required. Men may want to bring a kippah (head covering), though these are usually available at the shiva house.

What to Bring: Food is the traditional and most practical gift. Mourners are required to be fed by others, not to cook for themselves. Prepared meals, deli platters, fruit baskets, baked goods, and beverages are all welcome. If the family keeps kosher, make sure all food is kosher (check with the family or their synagogue if unsure). Flowers are not traditional in Jewish mourning — opt for food or a charitable donation in the deceased’s name instead.

When You Arrive

Enter quietly. In traditional practice, the door to the shiva house is left unlocked, and visitors enter without knocking or ringing the doorbell — the mourners should not have to serve as hosts. Simply walk in.

Follow the mourner’s lead. The traditional etiquette is to wait for the mourner to speak first. This prevents visitors from making cheerful small talk that feels inappropriate. If the mourner wants to talk about the deceased — stories, memories, qualities — listen. If they prefer quiet, sit quietly with them. Your presence is the comfort, not your words.

Speak from the heart. There is no perfect thing to say. “I’m so sorry for your loss” is always appropriate. Sharing a specific memory of the deceased — “I remember when your mother…” — is often deeply meaningful to mourners. Avoid cliches like “they’re in a better place” or “I know how you feel” — well-intentioned but often unhelpful.

The traditional greeting upon leaving is: “HaMakom yenachem etchem b’toch sha’ar avelei Tzion v’Yerushalayim” — “May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” Even if you cannot say it in Hebrew, the English translation carries the same weight of tradition.

What Not to Do

Don’t avoid the visit. The mourner would rather see you awkwardly than not see you at all. Your discomfort is less important than their need for comfort.

Don’t make it about you. Resist the urge to share your own grief stories at length. The focus should be on the mourner and their loss.

Don’t tell the mourner how to feel. “You should be grateful they lived so long” or “At least they didn’t suffer” may seem comforting but can feel dismissive. Let the mourner express their grief without correction.

Don’t stay too long. A visit of 15-30 minutes is typical. If the mourner is engaged in conversation with you, stay as long as feels natural. But if the house is full and the mourner is visibly exhausted, a shorter visit is perfectly appropriate.

Don’t bring up business, gossip, or unrelated topics. The shiva house is not a social gathering. Keep the focus on comfort and remembrance.

Prayer at the Shiva House

Many shiva houses hold daily prayer services — usually Shacharit (morning) and Ma’ariv (evening). If you can attend one of these services, your presence helps ensure a minyan (the quorum of ten needed for communal prayer, including the mourner’s recitation of Kaddish).

Attending the prayer service is one of the most meaningful things you can do for a mourner. It allows them to fulfill the religious obligation of saying Kaddish without having to leave their home during the shiva period.

After Shiva

The mourner’s need for support does not end after seven days. The weeks and months following shiva can be profoundly lonely, as the world moves on while grief does not. Check in by phone, invite the mourner for a meal, and remember significant dates — the yahrzeit (anniversary of death), the first holidays without the deceased. These follow-up gestures often mean more than the initial shiva visit.